The world as I see it.

Even though you are not now the person I thought I was married to, I still miss you.

I’ve changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don’t sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I’ve never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn’t like
two drinks in you were by my side

I’ve talked to friends
I’ve talked to myself
I’ve talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I’ve been strong and I’ve been weak
and I still miss you
I’ve done everything move on like I’m supposed to
I’d give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don’t know how to do this

I’ve talked to friends
I’ve talked to myself
I’ve talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I’ve been strong and I’ve been weak
and I still miss you
I’ve done everything
move on like I’m supposed to
I’d give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I’ve talked to friends
I’ve talked to myself
I’ve talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I’ve been strong and I’ve been weak
and I still miss you
I’ve done everything
move on like I’m supposed to
I’d give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you…… yeah…. yeah…..

I have been intentionally absent from here for quite a while now-and for good reason. First, I didn’t want Charlie Gribble reading about my life anymore. Second, there were things going on that I couldn’t post about. Well, now I can-sort of.

This week I had some interesting information explained to me by some very important people. To say this information came out of left field is an understatement. It caught me off guard. It rocked my world. And it made me doubt my ability to read people. It also totally changed the way I look at my life right now. Not only did this information absolutely floor me, but it also explained so much.

I can’t go into specifics, but I should be able to soon.

To Charlie Gribble: Your secret is out. I know EVERYTHING! Do you actually think you are going to get out of this? I have been assured that you won’t. Each picture is worth a thousand words, and there are quite a few awesome shots (plus video). Your request will be denied. You will not be protected forever. Are you scared? Because from what I understand you should be. Looks like your little plan has backfired and all I have to do is sit back and watch. The view is awesome.

P.S.  Your feeble attempt at Financial Disclosure and Interrogatories made both me and my attorney giggle. Don’t you think it’s about time you came clean with your own attorney so we can get this show on the road? I realize you have bigger things to worry about, but get real.

A psalm of David.

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
so why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
so why should I tremble?

When evil people come to devour me,
when my enemies and foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.

Though a mighty army surrounds me,
my heart will not be afraid.
Even if I am attacked,
I will remain confident.

The one thing I ask of the Lord—
the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
delighting in the Lord’s perfections
and meditating in his Temple.

For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
he will hide me in his sanctuary.
He will place me out of reach on a high rock.

Then I will hold my head high
above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
singing and praising the Lord with music.

Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
Be merciful and answer me!

My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”

Do not turn your back on me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
O God of my salvation!

Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord will hold me close.

Teach me how to live, O Lord.
Lead me along the right path,
for my enemies are waiting for me.

Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
with every breath they threaten me with violence.

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.

Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

1. Lunch with me and the boys.
2. Oliver is curled up at my feet on the couch. (Oliver is my cat.)
3. A beautiful day.
4. Writing for the first time in a week.
5. Going to Shelley’s later.
6. Going to try and sleep in my bed tonight, again.
7. All the laundry is almost done.
8. The house is clean.

I haven’t posted all this week. It’s not that I didn’t have things to say. I did need to express myself. But I have caught myself editing myself for the past few weeks. I kind of feel violated. Let me explain. I am no under no illusion that my blog is available for anyone to read. But, since the conversation between my attorney and myself about Charlie Gribble reading my blog, I have caught myself not really expressing myself honestly. Every time I write I’m thinking in the back of my head, “I wonder if Charlie will read this, and what will he think.” I have also written a few posts directly to him. I feel like I have not been accurately posting. Today I am going to write like nobody reads this blog. I’m going to just write whatever I feel like. Here it goes.

Today is Sunday. After getting up about 9 I decided to cook a big dinner for me an the boys. I fixed steaks, macaroni and cheese and corn. It was pretty good. We all ate too much.

Amanda came up and we sat out back and chatted for awhile. As usual our topic was Chad for her and Charlie for me. She has listened to me so much over the last 6 months. Sometimes I think she knows Charlie as well as I do now. Amanda will let me cry for 15 minutes and then she tells me to suck it up and we try to find an answer to whatever has got me bugged up at that moment.

Right now I’m bugged up about some pictures that I recently saw. I knew these pictures existed, I had just forgotten about them. They are of this past New Years Eve. All of us are together. Me, my husband and all my friends and their spouses at Post 595. We all had such a good time that night. How was I to know that 19 days later me and Charlie would split. Looking at the pictures we don’t look unhappy. Quite the opposite, we looked really happy.

These past two weeks I have really tried to come to terms with my life. Actually I have been looking at my life for the past 6 months. Others have helped me see reality. Some realities I have come to by myself. I took my best friend’s advise from February 21 and have gotten some help. I’m not cured, but I’m definitely getting better. I have learned to admit my mistakes and try to move on. I have learned not to let my mistakes define who I am. I haven’t yet figures out how to right some of the wrongs associated with some mistakes I have made. Emotions that I feel are real, no matter if anybody else feels them. Being emotional does not make me weak, it makes me human. It is OK for me to admit that I still love Charlie and miss him terribly. It’s not healthy for me to hold on to the fantasy that some day me and him can actually sit down and have a conversation and get some closure. I have to make the closure myself. But, there is no time limit. When I’m ready, I’ll know what to do. Right now, I’m not ready and I don’t know what to do.

On a closing note, I don’t think it’s fair that Charlie gets to read my blog. Yeah, the internet is open to everybody, but this is different. I am not part of Charlie’s life right now in any shape, form, or fashion. I have no idea how he spends his days and nights. I don’t know how he feels about anything. Why should he get to know what is going on with me? Charlie, why are you reading this? If you want to know something about me, just ask me. Are you as sad as I am? Why can’t we just talk?

Well so much for blogging like Charlie’s not reading…..Epic fail.

1. Mom, dad, grandma, Daniel, Alisa, Connor, Claire and Luc.
2. Brandon in St. Louis at the ballgame having a great time.
3. DiMaggio’s Pizza.
4. Harry Potter yesterday. Just me and Brandon. Big popcorn, big coke.
5. Calm before the storm.
6. Something I can’t talk about that I am really, really excited about. For those of you who kind of know, it will start in a week or two.
7. Maybe, just maybe, being out of my recent funk-but still sad.
8. There are some things I will never ever let go of and I think that is OK.
9. Being too tired to be mad any more, just really really sad.

1. American Legion Post 595.
2. Walk like an Egyptian.
3. Toga, toga, toga.
4. Me, Angie, Brad, Shelley, Londa and Brooke.
5. Brad and handcuffs. This is for Angie, not me—bad visual.
6. Suzie Q I love you, Suzie Q.
7. The Posse.
8. Load up.
9. Doing my Simple Pleasures with all my friends around me.

Form your own conclusions.

For lack of a better word, I am restless. I have been this way for awhile. Of course I know what’s causing it, but I haven’t yet figured out how to beat it. These last months I have taken an inventory of my life. I have realized what is important to me. I have also realized what isn’t important. I have almost dealt with loss, but mostly I have identified all the good things I have in my life. Do I think I am the same person I was six months ago? Yes. But am I a better version? Definitely yes. I am not even close to perfect, but I am trying. And that’s the best that I can do. Recently I wrote that I had accepted the mistakes I have made in my life but I haven’t let them define who I am. There are alot of mistakes that I think about every day. There are also alot of happy things I think about everyday too. There are just a few happy and sad things I think about every single day. The bad things make me appreciate the good. The bad also remind me of my imperfections and what I need to do to be better.

I already know that this week will be hard. I know that I will have major decisions to make. I also know that all of these decisions will have a huge impact on the next phase of my life. I also know that my friends, family and attorney will give me valuable advise. But in the end, the decisions will be mine alone. No pressure here. Maybe I ought to try sleeping in my bed again, the couch and me have gotten real close lately. I wonder if someone else still sleeps on his couch too? Dang it, I am not supposed to think about him.