The world as I see it.

First I have to talk about my birthday. It was last Friday and I was 39 years old. All my friends and me got together and had a ball. I’ll have a group pic soon, but for now here is me and Suzy and me and Angie. They made my birthday really, really special. I will definitely remember this year’s bash. Then on Sunday I went to mom and dad’s and had a fabulous dinner with my favorite cake. Mom even made two cakes so I could take one with me for the Superbowl party. I ate the last piece of cake for breakfast this morning and it was delicious.

But this post is really about advice-I need it. I need some guidance. You see, I have been alone now for almost a year. Yeah, I have had offers, but I have turned them all down. I wasn’t ready. I still don’t know if I’m ready now. But there is this boy. I have known him for a long time. Not closely, but we knew each other. In the last couple of months I have been reintroduced to him and we have been at many of the same places on many weekends. We’ve talked alot and I really think I wish he would ask me out. He knows about alot of the drama that has filled my life for the past year and I know about some of his baggage. I’m OK with him knowing. My life hasn’t exactly been a secret for the past year. When we’re together I always have a good time and he always says something that makes me laugh. But I can tell I make him nervous-not in a bad way. I think he wants to ask me out, but for whatever reason he hasn’t yet. When I’m in a room with him I catch him just looking at me. I wish I knew what he was thinking when he does look at me. I know he’s interested, he’s has said so to some of our friends. But, what’s holding him back? My question to you is: Should I make the first move and ask him out (I’ve never, ever done that before)? Or if I shouldn’t then how can I get him to make the leap and ask me? And to my friends who know me best, do you think I’m ready?

Oh a side note, it’s snowing here so I’ll be four-wheelin’ tomorrow in the Jeep. Can’t wait! The bluff has been calling my name but I’ve been ignoring it. I’m movin’ on and I have other places to wheel now. See, maybe I am ready.

Yeah, I haven’t written here in a long, long time. I have made many excuses to all my friends who have asked why I haven’t written. The truth is, I just haven’t felt like it. Physically and emotionally I am drained. Life is just too much right now. It has been for awhile, but recently I have kind of threw up my hands and walked away. I did get divorced November 18th. I don’t even come close to having the energy or strength to write about that day. Maybe someday I will, but not now.

My friends and family have kept me going during Thanksgiving and Christmas. And sometimes I know that no one knows what to say or do for me, and that’s OK. I’m not going off the deep end. Sometimes I just think I need to stay in my house for days at a time without leaving. Thank God for my cable TV.

I have high expectations for the new year. After this past year, I really believe there is nothing I can’t handle. And it helps to know that I will always have the support and love of my family and friends.

I’m not making any New Year’s resolutions. Why set myself up to fail?

This past Saturday night me, Jaclyn, Shelly, Amanda, Chicky and Donnie P had a conversation about my blog. Jaclyn said I just need to tell stories about us-about me and my friends and what we do in our time together. She swears we are all interesting. She said I shouldn’t use everyone’s real names so I could protect the innocent….haha. Are any of us really that innocent?

I just have one little tidbit of information from Saturday night to share my opinion about. After the little trick that Donny P performed I have an entirely new respect for him (and his apparent talent).

Very soon I am going to get together with my circle of close friends and let them pick their aliases. Just because I choose to put myself out there doesn’t mean I should expose my friends too. It will be very interesting to see what they come up with.

Oh, and I did get a new Jeep about three weeks ago. And I’m very concerned because Jeep has changed their slogan from “Life is Good” to “I live. I ride. I am. Jeep.” I have the Jeep logo and old tag line tattooed on my left shoulder, am I going to have to get another tattoo? Don’t worry mom I’m only joking, I’m inked up enough. As much as I love Jeeps, I’m not going to get another tattoo.

How can I start this post, when I am going to put all of me out there? How do I expose all my weaknesses with dignity? It may not sound good, but here it is.

Most of you know I have been going thru my own private hell since January 19. To say it has been the hardest 10 months of my life is an understatement. I have learned things about myself that I am grateful for, but I have also learned things about my life that have made me physically ill. I have had euphoric highs and mind blowing lows. I have had the blessing of my awesome parents and kids, and my true friends have revealed themselves to me and pulled me thru the roughest days and nights. I have so much to be thankful for, but I still mourn all that has been lost.

I’m not happy yet, I don’t know if I ever will be again. Of course I know that everything will work out in the end, but I just don’t know when the end might be. I honestly believe what my mother says, “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle,” but good grief it’s gotten close a few times. Some days I’m strong, some days I’m not.

The last two weeks have been especially hard. I need something to happen that I have no control over, but it looks like it’s not coming to fruition. I know it will come sooner or later, I just wish it would happen before Wednesday at 9 a.m. There is nothing I can do to rush this along, but I wish there was.

Even though I know it would lead to nothing, I still want to have a conversation with Charlie Gribble. I have so many questions for him, as I am sure he does for me. It’s too bad his unpredictability and my order or protection against him will prevent this from ever happening.

You know, we were good together. We were both so happy. The world was ours for the taking.

Had an unproductive meeting with Chas and his attorney. To say it was a joke is an understatement. Man I can’t wait til November 18th. Maybe I will finally be free of all the baggage that is Charlie Gribble. I just have a few thing to say about today’s festivities. First, what the crap is wrong with you? I mean physically. Have you had a stroke or something? Has all the stuff that I can’t talk about here finally gotten to you? Have you had some kind of break down? You know if I had the people chasing after me that you have chasing after you I would have a break down to. Another thing, your list is a joke. Come on, get real. Sure, I have a bead frame and one pot that I will gladly give back to you, but all that other stuff, I doubt it really even exists. But do you actually think I would ever give you any of the pictures that I have taken over the last three years? You are dreaming. For one thing, they are mine. And for another, you must be dipping into your deliveries if you actually think I would ever give them to you. They don’t belong to you. But, when I get time I will post some more of them on here so you can enjoy looking at them. Maybe the barking dog can help you lick your wounds. Maybe she can take care of you. Or maybe she is going down with you. She has a history of mental illness so it shouldn’t be a long trip for her. Why do you need a load of firewood? Don’t you think that gave away your hiding spot? It doesn’t matter, the people who need to know where you are at all times, already know where you have been spending your time. Good try. If you want to hide you are going to have to try harder. And from what you have sang about, I think you should be scared. Just like I have said before, I don’t wish you happiness I just wish you get everything you deserve.

Today might be the day when I actually get to post here all the information I know. Maybe, no promises. It all depends on what happens at 1:00 PM this afternoon. I know I am ready for the world to know all the facts that I know. Watch out, this could become interesting this afternoon.  Or not.

1. Pan fried chicken and mashed potatoes for lunch today. Yummy!
2. Finally realizing that I am who I am and even if I don’t like certain things about me, I’m still me. I may be down, but I’m not out.
3. When one door closes, another one opens-it may just take some time.
4. It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all is a bunch of crap.
5. I may not have let go of the past yet, but the grip is loosening.
6. Exhaustion keeps my mind from wondering and definitely helps me sleep.
7. My attorney who keeps everything real, and gives me sound advise, both legally and personally.
8. I may not be patient, but I am getting better.
9. After a three week binge, I am back on the diet wagon (except for today’s fried chicken).
10. Realizing that it’s life’s simple pleasures that have gotten me thru the past nine months.
11. Hoping that the best is yet to come.

1. No work today except freelance. Got A LOT done.
2. Won Josh Turner tickets for mom and dad.
3. Interesting information today. We’ll see what happens.
4. October 28 is closing in. I’m ready. And so is my attorney. Just waiting on some vital documents.
5. Everything comes full circle.
6. From heartbreak comes inspiration.

1. Relaxing Sunday on the couch with my laptop.
2. Finishing up some long overdue projects.
3. Groceries in the kitchen.
4. Both the boys here with me.
5. No work tomorrow, a long overdue day off.
6. Still having the strength to ask the hard questions, but not sure if I’m ready for the answers.

1. A very good friend asking me to start writing my simple pleasures again. She made me realize that even with all the crap in my life, I still have simple pleasures every day, thanks Barb.
2. Bologna sandwich for breakfast, yummy.
3. Going to be sitting around a fire tonight with good friends, good food and good conversation.
4. Glad I was able to help a friend last night.
5. Just sitting back and waiting for the inevitable and almost making my peace with it. Like my mom has said, “It is kind of like a death, you know it’s coming but that doesn’t make it any easier.”

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t come but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.